They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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