i jhust puked up my retainher.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
