Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
