broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
