I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
