party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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