Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
