i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
