I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
