I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
this just has baby written all over it
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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