also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
