Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
