I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
