my mouth tastes like poor choices
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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