omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
