I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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