I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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