You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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