yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
