Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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