Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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