I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
