What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
