Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
