I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
