I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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