Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
