you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
