Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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