I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
