Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
