Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
