i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
