i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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