Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
