I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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