shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
