If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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