i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He felt like a one man threesome
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
