I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
