I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
