Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
