You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
