that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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