I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
