Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
