I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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