You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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