better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
