I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
